I have long been interested in the brain and how it functions ever since I first read about how memory works. How, by using techniques like spaced repetition you could commit things to long term memory and this is done by building up a dense myelin coating over the neurons containing the memories. This is the reason I can still remember some lines from a script for a performance I took part in over twenty years ago. I repeated them so often I locked them in so to speak. Similarly, it is the reason why elderly people retain their distant memories when they can’t remember what happened yesterday.

Through my interest in the brain, I developed an interest in personalities and other aspects of us that are controlled by the brain. I have taken the Myers-Briggs 16 personality types quiz about four times over a twenty-year period. Both informally and in supervised employment settings. Every time I come back as an INFJ, the description of this type always resonates. I have also taken the Enneagram Test and type 5 is a 98% score, closely followed by type 4 at 91%. These paragraphs from the INFJ type 5 summary hit me with stinging accuracy.

“INFJ-5s will often become uncommunicative, thinking they can’t move forward until they have solved the problem. Here’s another issue: A lot of the problems INFJs are obsessing over can only find answers with an open and prolific mind, the mind of a person who lives the vision the INFJ-5 is waiting to start. The popular theory about Ni-Ti loops explains this well: The Ni-Ti loop reveals the desire to prove their thoughts through evidence and critical thinking and to move rationally towards an impulse that is in its nature irrational.”

“Often, the Ni-Ti loop will serve the opposite role of what Intuition is supposed to provide the INFJ. The INFJ will shoot down their visions and dreams and aspirations and deem them as “impossible,” and then find themselves locked in the status quo. By the time the INFJ has proven that their vision was indeed rational, it may be too late to go for it, and they bear the disappointment of a missed opportunity.”

The reason I am focussing on all of this is that sometimes the brain still confounds me. As the illustration explains, the only way I can describe what I am feeling at the moment is that the logical side of my brain is healthy and performing as I would expect it to do (except for when the Fibro Fog gets in the way) whilst at the same time the creative side of my brain is pretty much in a low-level depressive state.

I can only think this is because of the mantra I have created for myself (in case you are unfamiliar with this statement on my blog “I have lost so much of myself physically to Fibromyalgia that I am unprepared to have depression and give it my mind”) or variations of those words. It seems that these thoughts have become protected in the rational side of my brain which is my only logical explanation for a half-brained response.

On the one hand, I find this rather fascinating, however, I would rather shake off this sensation and get my creative mojo back. I’d love to hear your thoughts!